6/29/2025. #114

Well I'm definitely not a competitor, unless it's an internal improvement competition and as a loner, I had plenty of opportunity to work on those self improv skills which makes me a pretty good collaborator while at work. So I guess in a roundabout way - all of the above.

I am completely frazzled tonight. I needed a quiet break today and that didn't happen. Sometimes it's hard to acknowledge that a simple adjustment of events could have drastically improved my day. I hit incredible highs yesterday on my run. And I'm nervous about this week. Everyone around me is on a vacation or going to one soon and I cannot even find an hour or two - at home of quiet rest on my day off. I was here, sometimes on the computer but it was up/down - all day with various caregiving requests. It's hard to not be sad over this reality. So this question is especially difficult because at some point in my life I have tried everything to get others to care. Everything but directly documenting this kind of existence and this is why I love this project. I want that raw capture because I'll feel better tomorrow and I can wash away the struggle with a smile but yet the scars, the heaviness and the reality weight of it all - yet another near drowning carries over to a fresh day. It leaves me feeling grateful to be alive but the foolish punishment of it all is unrelenting. I should learn by now, I'm doing something wrong. But am I?

I have a quiet hour starting now. I'm so tired, there's nothing left of me.