6/15/25. #181

I don't like this one. I've been misunderstood my entire life. I'm not sure how I could narrow it down to one person, nor would it matter because at some point learning to allow simple miscommunication is a better way to go through life. And the people who I'd write the letter to? They exist. However it would be intense and inappropriate for public exposure. In those kinds of cases, I'd just write a fictional story and address it that way. In fact, that's why I heavily leaned towards fiction in the first place, freedom to express myself without the consequences of truth and required niceness. It was a healthy release of emotion. I write, read and reabsorb the message. Over and over - until it clicks. I learned a lot about myself through writing. Words are powerful. Not nearly as the writer. A writer willing to delete.

I feel like it takes a significant amount of self control to walk away from an argument or an opportunity to correct someone else. So much writing is reactionary based and garbage. As a writer, I watched myself pull from the environment and include emotional nonsense into my works. A writer has to physically complete the task of getting words onto the screen or paper. A lot of it is garbage, just to get the momentum going. It's the same with conversations sometimes. It's easy to feel like we have to fill it with something and would not choose to use that language or style if we had time to reflect on the moment better. It's easy to make bad choices, especially in tone, topic and urgency.

In real life - someone in a highly social environment has plenty of opportunities to address and correct those misunderstandings. We should have those same types of opportunities to correct SM, however those types of expectations and options don't really exist. Not just because a few people make a lot of money from this inflammatory process but the online crowds/shared club exposure isn't the same as coworkers, neighbors and friends. They know us. It takes time to establish a social identity. In addition, many people are never taught these behavior communication skills in real life. Online? It's a struggle. And a mess even for skilled writers. It's difficult to separate a writer's identity from fiction - because of the above reason, desire to address complicated issues. I can admit I like the murkiness. A talented writer should keep an audience guessing and engaged. I enjoy writing psychological thrillers.

Even with establishing a social identity, breaking through bias is still a challenge. It's a factor of life. Just like how when people meet me? They think I'm much younger than I am. When I'm with my kids? A cloud of disbelief forms. Many cannot comprehend how I can be so young and healthy with disabled teenagers. But I'm not healthy. I have severe hypertension and battled depression for years. I'm glad people cannot see that factor but it severely cuts down credibility and even problem solving because my lived expertise is questioned. I carry and remember every scar, they just see polished magic.

The top words I receive in life from others: "I don't know how you do it."

Well it's not magic. It's consistent work effort. And a dynamic over the top chain of life experiences that inspires fiction. Meaning, if I sat down and told someone my life story, it would be unbelievable as well as unrelatable.

And my life is so compartmentalized, even people who know me - don't know the full me or understand the struggles I have faced. They know pieces. In addition, my career requires a cloak of privacy, which I respect. That's not going to change.

So to answer the prompt - yeah, I've given up on clarity. I function more on a need to know basis and that's complicated because, life. One thing I'm tired of doing - providing the basics so I'm hoping this living website can reduce the confusion and repetition. While I love writing, engaging in that process every day helped me realize additional identity about myself - if I could write psychological thrillers, I had the same ability to help/heal others. It pushed me into pursuing my current career. I could see the process occurring - how could I turn away? I couldn't.