Another night where I'm dragging the bottom of life. Task after task - I am so task disoriented that I cannot even play Animal Crossing tonight as the idea of chopping down trees, completing tasks and accumulating resources seems like a punishment. And I love Animal Crossing. It's become my favorite way to media destress in hopes of balancing blood pressure and make healthier choices. I feel like I've failed that goal. Most days I truly believe I'm doing the best I can. I just feel stuck in a loop again. And I can see the mistakes.
Part of me doesn't even want to write an entry. I should just leave it blank and move on. There is absolutely no reason to commit to a daily blog other than completing a simplistic habit. Why would I do this?
I have hundreds of reasons why. I miss reading other authentic voices. Every day it's getting old being bombarded with colorful story times and exclusive hot takes of any given media storm that suspiciously models a generic AI computation, along with economic begging. I'm tired of the endless grift and noise.
I love to write. I don't need to be paid to write. I know what many fiction writers know - obtaining an audience? Getting another human to care and read your work... well, many have to pay for that - even purchasing test readers and enduring a long list of marketing schematics which typically involve qualifying for an agency that does the leg work (of which they get paid to do so.) Yet there are political hobbyists on SM - upset that they aren't taken seriously without learning the craft of writing. It's not a fair career choice.
I'm a behavior technician. I'm a writer. It's difficult for me to explain how easy it is for me to see this endless clusterf*ck of unproductive noise as it occurs. Every day at work I contemplate bribery and tantrums as it applies to children. I come home from work and hope to escape back into an adult world, only to see bribery and tantrums. I wrote that paragraph and can see all the politically incorrect ways that it would get flagged. Probably the biggest political crime of all - not identifying my team color.
I'm a parent of disabled children. I don't have a political team color. Most people cannot even conceive of how/why that's possible. Well, I know of politics inherently. It's not a game. Vulnerable lives are directly on the line. It's fair to say I know how each side would let me down more than offer practical assistance.
I remember the days before I learned official politics. I was 24. I paid enough attention to civic classes to have a simple understanding of process. Let me be clear, 41 year old me - knows exactly why there is a 10 year funding gap for developmentally disabled adults.
I've been struggling. Every time I log onto the front of page of any news I see the terminations, confusion and baiting. It brings to mind the worst experiences I lived through when the greed and fear of other people destroyed my stability. I'm not an overly sensitive person. I should be able to go online and not be bombarded by profitable noise. I'm an extremely balanced and emotionally mature person and it's too much for me to endure. I know it has to be awful for others.
That's my rant for tonight. I'm not just ranting though. I live my truth. Enough is enough. So tomorrow I'm going to wake up, slightly more refreshed from getting about 5-6 hours of sleep, before I trudge through another long day of accumulating hard won life experience in behavioral psychology. Applied.
I'm unhappy with the direction of politics, but who isn't? I will become the change I require in others. In fact there is no sense in complaining about political behavior when I can define political behavior through my own lived actions and circumstances.
A small daily blog? Will get me there. Free. One day at a time.
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