Super tired tonight. I spent the last little energy I had making dinner and it sucked. I couldn't even eat it. Ever eat something so bad, it destroys your appetite - despite being hungry? I'm there.
Anyway, if I could just go pass out - I would but it's only 7 PM. I need to stay awake and functional for a few more hours so I can take care of my kids. I've felt like this many times in my life. One of the reasons why I became a fiction writer. It allowed me to stay purposeful when I had nothing else, while also haunted by swirling PTSD. I couldn't stay in my present life. And yes, that's as pathetic as it sounds. I went through many dark years. I don't really have a problem talking about depression or the grief reality caregivers face. If I didn't live the reality of being belittled, isolated and rendered invisible, I probably wouldn't believe it possible.
Most days I'd want to completely forget this kind of day/emotional feeling. I do aim for positivity and progress. I'd delete these day trips. Put on a smile and gratefulness. Give myself a mental boost for overcoming yet another deficit/obstacle. It's just when I start to count all of these overloads? I realize something. I have no power over them occurring. I shouldn't be deleting them either.
~As I was writing this? The power went out. Fun times. I had no clue where my flashlight was. Did find candles though. I am feeling every ounce of my age, along with backpain tonight. I am so exhausted, I didn't even have an emotional response when the power went out. One word crossed my mind, 'figures'. It's been that kind of day.
We're currently in yet another weather anomaly. I don't even know what is going on.
Apparently it's some kind of thunderstorm/blizzard that stretches across the entirety of Kansas today. All we've really gotten so far, gray gloomy day and then a ridiculous amount of new cold wind as I was leaving work. This wind isn't typical either - it's like it's swirling and driving. I don't know how to describe it other than I've lived through a lot of wind events and I can't remember anything like this before, although I probably have. These extreme weather conditions only make a bad day worse.
Surviving these emotional exhaustive day trips?
While I may not have power over them occurring, I can prepare for them and those strategies are unique/complicated. Along with a basic truth. An emotional storm will pass.
If I deleted them, I'd become yet another person who cannot believe these storms exist.
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