I almost ran out of time today, to write this journal. It's not hard at all for me to write daily. I write all the time, even in my personal notebooks but a public one? It's still kind of difficult to break through that mental barrier sometimes and the writing flow, feels off. I overhink. I worry about audience and all the thousands of ways a bad faith actor could destroy my life over words. But that kind of fear? Is ridiculous and yet realistic.
If anything, I would love to know the thought process of other people as they go through life. If someone is willing to share their highs/lows and generalizations of how they perceive/endure life challenge - I think that is awesome. We are living through absurd times. If I found an ancient book with thoughts and musings from a person living out their day to day reality - I would cherish it. That is a glimpse into a piece of history. A mind's eye reflection and another reminder of social progress. I don't want to hear about the great ones. I want to learn from the survivors.
It's disturbing to me, that we're discouraged from sharing these types of intimacies. Writers are conditioned to fear editing, marketing, publishing standards, audience taste. The average person (non-writer) has the same limitations attached too, in the form of social media and meeting writing standards, as well as occupational hazards from daring to express concerns, emotional achievements and things that might make others uncomfortable. It's a fine line to walk. I totally get it. But when someone does not talk about themselves, it leaves a gap for others to fill in. Bias occurs, unchecked. I would much rather define myself, rather than allow others to define me.
This is my life. I've lost so much fear along the way. There are reasons why. It never ceases to amaze me how words can be so powerful and yet ultimately meaningless if there are no actions behind them. Personally, I don't like weaponized words, I'd prefer to be entertained by them. Words are fun, light. Twisting them into combos and even creating new fictional words to describe emotional bursts - I love that words can have multiple meanings. It's language. I believe it should be fluid. Conversations are fluid. Temporary.
I'll admit I currently spend way more time on the communication side of life vs 'writer' set in stone of hard published finality. I've written books. I've pored over the perfection sentences and flow. Desperate to create and include the right elements for storytelling. I loved that process. It was a different mindset than journaling. It was deep and I loved getting lost in those world builds. I could be anyone. I didn't have to be myself. And yet finding myself was all I did.
A writer can communicate through a book. But a communication master can lead through life. It's not the same. It took me far too long to realize that but when I did - I changed careers. My initial goal for writing was to assist with advocacy. I used to think becoming a writer, that people would take me seriously. It all seemed so simple. I was naive about the craft of writing and publishing - where it would take me and where I wanted to go.
I love the idea of having a living website (this). I can't stand the idea of losing control over my artwork. Sometimes what you need doesn't exist and you have to build it yourself.
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