3/28/2025

Feeling much better today. Energy levels reset and it's Friday, well...now the weekend!

Yesterday I hit way too many walls. Couldn't even squeak out a few thoughts and writing is easy for me. Emotional regulation is hard work. It's usually not recognized and rewarded. Part of that reason is due to emotional regulation being a nonverbal process. Even someone highly skilled with writing would struggle to capture the depths and despair a mind could take someone. It's action spent. Idk how to explain it.

I started yesterday in the worst possible way. I was plagued with the type of exhaustive lucid dreams that I am alive in. Not nightmares, heavy action packed sequences. I didn't get any rest. No chance to mentally reset and then I had no choice but survive the day. Physically and mentally drained. I told everyone it was allergies. Unfortunately I don't know how to explain to others this kind of life existence.

Anyway, I managed to pull myself together today. It wasn't easy. Just mind numbing physical labor and a lot of emotional complexity & regulation from my job. It helps that I stay sharply aware taking care of kids vs drift off into perseverating into whatever I learned from the dream sequences. Because I learn things.

I've thought about this a lot over the years - the best approach to recovery and balance. The last thing I wanted to do yesterday was work. I wasn't sleepy either. There was nothing but a desire to move forward. That desire feels whimsical because it's like I'd almost try anything to feel better at those times but over the years, the sequences themselves have taught me. It's almost like a conditioning. Exhaustion sets in. This exhaustion keeps me balanced.

I'm writing about this here because it's a huge part of my life balancing this kind of dream disorder and no one really knows. I am someone who has experienced a great deal of PTSD in my life but I was born this way. The PTSD has not created or shaped this process. In fact, having this kind of dream disorder helped me cope with PTSD so well, I didn't even realize the large amount of stress pain I had accumulated. It erased fear, basically. Having visuals of that process- Helped.

I really don't want to spend that much time writing about this tonight. It's truly a shame more survivors and cPTSD aren't taken seriously. I personally would study it but utilizing my skills towards intervention appeals to me more.

Our lives would be so much better if people could freely share their life stories and struggle. I can't be the only one with this kind of dream disorder. From my end? I could see how disruptive and challenging it could be. Life destructive. Maybe I'm just still fresh from recovering but it makes me sad to think others have to deal with this too. When it comes to revealing this kind of sleep/trauma/dreaming - a person just gets laughed at. This is a significant process poorly understood. It shouldn't have to be this way.