3/16/2025

Still don't feel like writing but not for the previous reasons. I had an incredible restorative process with this latest - and I'm not even sure how to describe - the lack of sleep/hyperdrive. Usually I crash. Hard.

This is the first time I've had one of these while on the blood pressure medications. Idk, it just felt good. There was no mood destabilization. Just an endless source of positive energy and I used it to reshape habits. I reorganized the house. Cleaned. Reestablished a cooking/meal plan. And it was all so easy to do. It's not like I haven't wanted to tackle these things, I just couldn't stop drowning/treading water enough to do so. It felt like a gift. Now I can take steps forward again.

Even the sleep patterns started to ease back into normal. I was able to sleep last night for five hours. Had extensive dreams - which I'm not going to write about because it would require so much backstory explanation. I'm now having dreams that are connected - which is kind of cool but not really as I'm being taught things. These dreams are compounding intel. Difficult to describe but not nearly as difficult to live through. I think it would be nice if people could talk about dreams.

What I didn't do? Stress out about future decisions. All of that seemed wiped away.

I did return to being a vegetarian. That was my big decision. I had been a vegetarian for over a decade and most of my adult life, although off/on. I just keep coming back to it. When I went back to work, so difficult to keep up on food prep and acquiring my preferred meals. With my job, being able to quickly grab and eat along with toddlers and little kids - then being too exhausted at home to prep or cook. Limited my options. I already have other diet restrictions from being gluten free too. Managing all of that, not easy. But I love cooking. I love baking. I'm very happy to find a solution, at least right now.

And it's helping me return to a part of me that I thought was lost. I used to have a garden, eat fresh food, just a total different way of life when I was married. I had time to chase after that kind of fun. Now I don't have time but need that kind of food supply more than ever. Being diagnosed with a hypertensive crisis? Was shocking. I dedicated so much of my life and time towards healthy food and I had great cholesterol numbers but I've been through significant trauma and ongoing grief, it matters. Stress adds up. Rest is critical. The problem is that I know that but there isn't a way for me to rest. I have to live.

Anyway, there's a part of me that hopes the hypertensive crisis was due to me eating meat again and that is the simple solution to escaping this nightmare. That's probably naive of me but I have to at least try. I'm changing other factors as well. One of these days I'm going to start running again. I feel weird for writing that because it feels like I'm procrastinating but I'm just not in a place to commit to it yet. I'm active at work. Until I get the food balance established, I can't add more exercise. Although I feel like it would help manage the blood pressure too. When changing habits, it's important to associate it with success. I know that but it's still hard. Can't fix everything at once.

The kids are out of school all week on Spring Break. That's going to add logistic challenge and extended work days for me. Also have a doctor appointment to check up on Jake's broken arm. I'm going to try to keep up on the daily posts but that just might not happen.

Another big issue I need to work on is shifting back into student mode. And existing as a creative writer - is pretty much the opposite of that. I sat through a required work training video last week and yeah, it's going to be hard for me to absorb intel. I'm excited for opening that new chapter but that's probably because I enjoy challenge and as an adult, it's not like I haven't been to college before. I'm continuing to procrastinate on all of that stuff as well because it's probably going to be similar to what I had to relearn at work - so much has changed, especially tech. But procrastination isn't necessarily a bad thing. I feel like listening to my body and mind, about what I can handle - I'm getting accurate feedback. I'm highly stressed and not in a place to focus in that direction right now. But if I continue to make small steps, one day I might be able to. There's a goal at least.