Today was a rough day. One of the most exhausting and challenging ones I've faced in awhile- just so many things collapsing right before me, and no break. I wondered if I could/should even write of it because I'm not one to dwell on hardship but to allow it to go undocumented also feels wrong.
It's times like these that I feel completely alone but yet I'm not. Maybe talking about this kind of stuff will help others. Idk.
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I took some time to calm down. Fortunately I had leftover spaghetti and am starting to feel better. I struggle to find time to eat. During times of stress, I lose appetite. So taking small steps through a collapse is a good start towards recovery.
The day started off with Jake continuing to have lingering stiffness from his fall yesterday, enough that I debated about getting him into the doctor. I didn't think it was serious but it's just one of those parent judgment calls. A simple check out shouldn't have been that complicated. Yet... it is in my world.
For one, it's very hard for me to quickly rearrange my work schedule. I work at a clinic and there are plenty of other behavior techs but they're all busy too. So if I was going to pull the trigger on reshuffling my day - it was going to cause a chain reaction and increased stress from a multitude of perspective, my coworkers, clients, myself, etc.
Finding/obtaining quality childcare for developmentally disabled children is difficult. I know this firsthand as a parent- which is why I never get a break. No matter how much money is thrown around, there just isn't enough physical bodies to staff the growing need. I imagine it's the same for military, education and other industries. The labor shortage is awful. But so is the management of it.
Personally? One of my life missions is to figure out ways to appropriately grow and maintain caregiving resources. Right now, it's being decimated. That's an enormous task but one I probably could do given my background and interests. I think about it constantly. At least that's what I was doing before the hypertensive crisis.
Anyway, I pulled the trigger on the doctor and work schedule adjustments. Mentally mapping out the day and Jake because he's a kid with his own special considerations. He's pretty chill though while at a doctor's office. Weather today wasn't too bad. Wichita's traffic is fairly easy and predictable outside of the aircraft and rush hours. I made it happen - plotted the perfect strategy map. It wasn't easy. Intense stress for about an hour. For me and others.
About to leave and put it all in motion -then I get a text from Jake's teacher. They're on a field trip. On the other side of Wichita. How did I forget/not know this? I knew one was coming up - of course it would be today. I'm just that lucky of a person.
I had such a limited window of time to actually reach the field trip location (which did not seem physically possible) but I also did not want to pull him from such a rare opportunity because it was specifically designed for blind kids. I wasn't even sure he was that injured. So...had the pleasure of unwinding and backpedaling everything. I ended up canceling the doctor appointment.
All of that sucked. It really did. I am not one to frivolously ask for favors and adjustments unless it was serious. I've already had to ask for so much time off due to my own medical journey lately. I did my best to emotionally regulate and/or at least try to regain a professional baseline. It's hard for me to write/describe how hard that internal process actually is - considering how PTSD works and my life. Either way, I won that battle but I was still shaky and I knew it was just going to become one of those days I needed to survive. I just didn't realize it was going to become ONE OF THOSE DAYS.
As a team, if things could go wrong - they did. All we could do is watch it pop off, one thing after another. By the end of the day, we all agreed we couldn't remember a day where we had been so emotionally tested. It's now memorable and in our world? That's pretty bad. We actually enjoy chaos struggle where every day is unique.
There was a period during the day - of about two hours and we all agree on this, that two hour section - felt like 5 years. It's like we were caught in some kind of time warp continuum. It aged us. Maybe others can understand. I can't write of details but that's what it was like today.
At least tomorrow is Friday and jeans day. Plus we're having a superbowl dip party. Hopefully it'll be a better day because I'm already ready for the weekend. As for Jake, he's been closely monitored all day. He's okay. I think the fall just really shook him up. Due to his medical history/conditions he doesn't have reflexes and it was a highly scary event. He did have fun at the field trip.
I am so grateful for those who continue to put on these kinds of events for my kids.
Thanks for what you do. >I never get to tell people this - another reason why I like to journal and continually hope for a functional SM where maintaining a friendly community is possible and matches real life. So many have helped the kids on their journey. I think of you often.
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