I knew this week was going to be overwhelming, I just didn't realize how overwhelming. Well today the forces of life were against me. It feels like that every day but today was especially bad because the snow caused significant problems with the kids/wheelchair and work. I ended up calling in. I'm a workaholic. This was a hard call.
I already live on the edge with the kids. These types of weather events just make things so much worse. I couldn't overcome the challenge today. But yet I found comfort in acceptance. Both kids are still sick so it was nice to be here for them. However I burned through my last bit of PTO and that's uncomfortable. I hope I don't come down sick too.
The saddest part - even though I work in an extremely progressive career field, there still was confusion on why I couldn't come into work. The amount of open awareness that a wheelchair user faces is practically nonexistent. To be fair, I didn't realize it either until my daughter's wheelchair entered our life. It can be considered a scary piece of equipment. A definite symbol of disability and people handle the approach of it very differently. I know I personally struggled.
When it comes to the wheelchair, almost every errand or trip has to be carefully considered and the logistics mapped out. I think of them as adventures now. I try to make this process as fun as possible for me and the kids. Today? I just couldn't make it work. And that makes me sad because I've prided myself on navigating our world. This is just a reminder of my limitations. As I've written before, I'm humbled often.
Humbling leads to a lot of personal growth. Yet I feel like I've done enough growth in life by now. Most of the day I just wanted to curl up under a fur blanket and try to relax. But then I realized I was having chills. That was scary. The last thing I need right now is another illness. I'm not even sure I could take medicine as it'd conflict with the blood pressure medications. I hate this current fear spiral I'm on and it's deep. It reminds me that I'm drowning.
I wanted to turn to writing all day, yet I didn't. I painted instead. And cooked. And cleaned. Thought about all kinds of things. Hatred of snow. Hatred of winter. I think those are going to be on repeat from now until spring. Just an overall sense of wanting out. A personal frustration. I'm trapped in another carewheel.
The spoon theory doesn't work for me. I see it more like an inescapable carewheel. I have to be taking care of something and it's usually not me. It's not awful. Taking care of others brings me joy. However I can recognize that I use it as an escape from settling grief. I hate confrontation. It hurts when others do not respect the lived existence others face and endure.
Maybe it wouldn't hurt as bad if I was invisible but I'm not. These challenges the kids and I face are very obvious. If they're not? They should be. Advocacy is a calling. Sometimes I feel awkward about having a public journal but when I consider what it takes in order to make an impact, to effect change - this is a small task compared to what I have already lived and believe with all of my heart. Honesty.
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