Woke up this morning with a low fever and a cold. While it's uncomfortable, am glad it's on the weekend because I'm low on PTO. It also explains the latest blood pressure increase. Maybe I can start to tamper down the existential crisis again because I was starting to get anxious again.
I really enjoy the idea of capturing the daily grind- but it's so difficult to write as me. I've written fiction for years and being able to jump into a character is so much easier. I don't even have to think about writing, it's like autopilot. Words and plot just come pouring out without any hesitation. So when it comes to simply existing as my own voice as a human, it feels small and insignificant. Boring.
Sometimes I'm boring but I have a wide range of emotional moderation skills. All day at work I'm under intense pressure as a behavior therapist. I have no idea what the day will bring. It's that chaotic. Nonstop improvisation.
If I couldn't moderate myself, I couldn't help my clients. It's very hard to moderate while ill or extreme stress. Yesterday at work I hit that kind of wall. I caught a glimpse of my day schedule and I had about ten minutes to develop a strategy. I had been put into coverage and an unfamiliar environment.
What happens when I run out of materials. The train track ends. LOL. Actually this is a good opportunity to teach. Acknowledging obstacles, asking for help, problem solving with another person, etc.
Communication is such an important factor of our lives and so much of it is taken for granted. These skills can be hard to develop and even maintain. Being able to help someone through play? Makes this process fun and easier. Kids need this, but so do adults.
I mentioned yesterday that Wichita is the Air Capital of the world but what is also not immediately known - it's also a worldwide home to a substantial amount of autism research and services. Which was a hard pill to swallow when my own son was denied access to appropriate intervention service. It's difficult to describe walking into a giant facility and being too poor to purchase secure a spot for my child.
Background - Aircraft manufacturing was going through an economic 'bubble' and my husband was laid off during the time my son was diagnosed as non-verbal. I was ushered out of the building with a hopeful - maybe one day he'd qualify for a waiver. I wasn't hopeful. I was pissed off. I grew up poor and held a type A rebellious personality that drove me into strange places. This was just another unnecessary divisive barrier applied to some but not all.
To be fair, I wasn't convinced this place or anywhere held the expertise to handle a deaf blind child with sensory deficits from extreme prematurity so I wasn't too upset. Plus I had Julia to consider. My daily life path - managing their care and various integrated therapy services was and I'm trying to find the right word - encompassing??
A quick list - |
What is this?
Millions of dollars in medical services. Few can imagine my world view.
I enjoyed learning and developing my own intervention techniques. It allows me to help others as I continue to rebuild my life.
Even as I'm writing this - I'm being held back because this kind of life journey is not easily explained. To understand my life now requires a basic understanding of these prior trials and emotional accomplishments. Those closest to me, don't even know the full scale.
It's a disservice to not write of these types of issues that parents of special needs children face. Even the tough topics like abandonment, divorce and faith - which strangely enough became the final straw in my own marriage dissolution. We didn't share the same belief or value system.
While I'm open about talking about grief - these stories are not all my own. I love and respect the people in my life. So this becomes a natural barrier to providing online discussion. And it's also a major problem on SM. Somehow I understand it all too well.
I think tackling it in small pieces is best.
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