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1/27/2025

I found myself racing across the city this afternoon - and I wondered what number this doctor appointment was because it'd have to be in the hundreds. It was exhausting to consider. I felt the anxiety grow and immediately recognized it would trigger a blood pressure spike. That uncomfortable loop? Is difficult to disengage. If I ever figure out a way, other than anger - I'll let people know but for me, anger seems to ground me. And it's not a vicious anger towards other people, more like a steeling one. An internal hardening. A couple of deep breaths and I find acceptance but that process? I know every step it took to get there. My own discipline.


One time I did count because I found an old calendar when the kids were first released from the NICU. It broke me, to review it. I became flooded with sadness and tears. I was a different person back then and it's difficult to describe the changes a mind goes through when completely devastated from carrying living grief. It was then I learned I must have been blanking out so much of my memory despite everything feeling so sharp and ever present. Not nearly enough study has been done on PTSD.


*Jake and Julia were born 16 weeks premature and spent 111 days in the NICU.


Julia and Jake - Oct. 2009 (finally at home)
Julia and Jake - Oct. 2009 (finally at home)

That one year had over a hundred appointments. What parent of a newborn has that many? It's ridiculous to even consider and yet that was my normal. My only experience as a parent and it was spent coping with absurd measures while keeping the kids alive. No one around me could even begin to relate. Worse, it began to annoy them and that's a normal reaction to PTSD. People want to move on. And they did.


Because of this I'm now an interventionist and they have no idea what that means. Or why it matters.


I know how to handle absurdity.

I had no choice but to become an interventionist.

Why? Even when my tiny babies were still in the NICU - the early intervention support system for developmentally disabled children was destroyed in Wichita. Allowed to go bankrupt, despite being a wealthy city of billionaires and aircraft industry.


It didn't make sense.



That was 15 years ago.

I didn't know about politics back then. Didn't realize Kansas was in an experimental phase of political action against citizens.


I educated myself.

Things now make too much sense. And that's all I want to write about this tonight. Sometimes people ask why I know or care about politics.

^This.


 


I did receive good news today at the doctor's appointment!

Both tests came back normal. Thought I'd share some of the paperwork. :)


Echo results
Echo results




My blood pressure was high in the office. 150/100. Work and driving through rush hour traffic probably contributed but still concerning. The next three months I'm going to be on the same medications.


I'm trying to stay positive.



My discipline.  Painted tears with my charm bracelet. Psychogeography.
My discipline. Painted tears with my charm bracelet. Psychogeography.





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