8/11/2025.

I have no recollection of the first time I voted. It was that insignificant to me, at least to the point where I sit here and not know. I turned 18 in Nov 2001. At that time, the country was still reeling from 9/11.

I'm not even sure there was an election that year. I'm going to look it up. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2001_United_States_elections

Okay then. Now I'm starting to wonder when I did.

Full disclosure - I fell down a rabbit hole when I started to wikipedia election information. I lost a half hour of my life. Still didn't find what I was hoping to remember - probably because I got so far off track because of all the other memory triggers I read. Hey, I remember that - how can I be that old! ~kind of thing. Also, it's sad how much I've lived through. Sometimes I wish I could go back to a time when I knew nothing about politics. I truly have crossed a point where I know too much.

Strangely enough I was trying to find that point of politics where I was naive. It's an important time in someone's life - like losing virginity. Feels like I should be able to acknowledge and remember it somehow. Okay, I'm going back in to wikipedia. I hope I'm stronger this time.

~15 minutes later. I was getting lost again.

My initial guess was it involved a presidential election because I knew myself back then and I was not motivated, nor paid attention to politics other than what the news reported. And news was different back then. There wasn't the SM clusters, echoing. I remember being in college, buying the house - thinking I should probably start paying attention to adult responsibilities. Somehow that included voting. So around 2004/2005. Even then, I didn't vote in person but by mail. But did I actually vote? I mean - I can't remember actually voting. More like something I'd like to do one day.

Yet as I was browsing through the rabbit holes of wikipedia. I remembered what happened - regarding the loss of naivety. When I was pregnant I was put on bedrest. I had an emergency cerclage placed - I could no longer walk around. I filled my days with internet browsing. I didn't realize it then, but that month long bedrest was the beginning of my new life. One filled with a lot of boredom and media distractions as I was thrown into a critical hospital environment and lifestyle. Before then, I was a workaholic and in/out college. Accounting, admin management, etc. I was a serious person. If not working, I was outside, house projects or exercising. No kids.

Most people will not live through the amount of trauma that I endured so they cannot grasp the total life disability & destruction I faced. Some days I look back at it all, realize that I had every single gift to handle that large amount of struggle and pain. I was already an intense, highly motivated person - then I had micro-preemies. It felt like a natural extension of myself and career choices. I'm probably not explaining this well but basically I did not fear the challenge of that situation.

Obviously I misjudged many things, I should have been terrified about what was to come. The exhaustion, the disrespect, the complexity of grief, breakdowns in relativity, miscommunication, the invisibility - all wore down on my soul. Completely breaking me. Never felt more lost or alone. I was thrown into a life position where no one could understand my perspective. Yet something I wonder often, do I need them to?

On my life journey, I went down a split path. #1- involved heavily isolated writer. Hoping to find the right word combo to capture emotional angst. #2 - a non-verbal path. Words are unnecessary. Actions are what matters. Even within that sphere, as a practiced behavior technician - it's possible to hold a great deal of premonition, to where you can 'guess' what will occur, even in a highly chaotic environment. It's an incredible gift.

If you had this gift what would you do with it?