6/13/2025. #156

Life experience. And that's a little misunderstood because despite all the grief and life challenges, my personal identity and value system has not changed. I've achieved sharper clarity with enormous gravity attached to these beliefs.

I've written of this before, my childhood was spent in a Fundamental Baptist church attending various church functions and visitations at least 3x a week. It was excessive, plus old fashioned compared to other churches and school. I didn't always agree with the messaging so instead I read the Bible. It didn't necessarily correlate. I questioned the difference. I continue to use that discipline strategy.

While I'd love to answer this one more in depth, it's been a long week for me. Today I crashed after I got home from work. Mentally and physically crashed, except I wasn't allowed to stop moving. I had to load/unload the kids from the car, make dinner, laundry, chores - it still isn't done...because I developed ways to manage that pressure through music, painting, writing and mental exercise. I took time to sit down and write - felt instant relaxation and comfort from this process. Within half an hour.

It's hard to describe complex PTSD and what it takes to balance when those chains of cascading pressure erupt. It's a mix of a migraine, fear, nausea, loose adrenaline, shakiness, physical numbness, heightened/reduced senses that variegate (seeing colors/vision distorted), vertigo, difficulty speaking and forming words, clumsiness and increased injury to self or others from all of this happening. In addition to all of that - floods of memories. Some good. Some bad. Other unrelated memory visions as well. Things that do not even appear to be from this world and completely new or ancient past. It's incredible, a gift amongst these horrors.

I have all of that happening to me, it's very well under control now - but that's due to me managing it. It's not easy, to survive this pressure. Every day I continue to develop and test new techniques on myself. Maybe one day it can help others as well. I personally feel that PTSD is not treated as seriously as it deserves to be. People and families are left without resources and compassion as they navigate this type of invisible minefield. And that's not okay.

Sometimes I look back at my childhood which was filled with magical thinking and prayers - I can see the missing pieces. This is hard to describe but those gifts add up. So does the daily motivation of raising two blind disabled teenagers. I may be exhausted but I'm their mother. I find the ability to get the work done. The mind is capable of combining complex tasks - (just like PTSD) into positive ways, finding workable solutions to ease burdens. Healing.