Today was unexpected. The whole day passed so quickly. Until the moment it didn't.
I was enveloped by sadness. Grief returned.
I've known many forms of grief, and this too will pass but for right now it's awful. Made worse because I had a detailed dream last night. I probably mentioned this already but my dreams are heavily immersive. It's like living inside them as the sequences play out. Once again it took on a predictive alarm pattern. Like what happens in the dreams, happens again in reality.
I had that unfortunate series occur today. It messes with my mind. I can't tell the difference. Trying to balance this effect on my life? Is additional stress that few people even know about. It's difficult for me to find rest. Even during the day, there are times I have dream sequences. It's not like I don't know why. I'm provided a lot of information during these types of events. I'm just glad they're not disabling anymore and I can function. They used to come during drop attacks. I have Meniere's disease. Being hit with dizzy spells and visions was so horrifying. Felt like a curse. It took years of strategic effort to balance.
But I did manage to balance which is why today was so uncomfortable. I haven't had a drop attack in years. Yet I felt so close to having one. Enough for me to rethink life goals and prioritize.
Most people don't know or understand about Meniere's Disease but it's an inner ear disorder. It greatly shaped my life. I developed it when my kids were toddlers. The first one, I honestly believed I had a brain aneurysm burst and I was going to die. It came on so suddenly, these attacks. Completely lost my balance, dropping to the floor. Nothing I could do but survive the waves. Very traumatizing to endure. Never knowing.
Managing that condition was just another complication of my life. I'm very good at it by now. Today that kind of shook that confidence, if that makes sense.
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