One of the terrible/great things about living with this amount of PTSD - there is that sense of doom always lingering in the background of any given moment but there is also that sense of ecstasy from breaking free, potential to have the best day ever with fresh perspective. If you cannot obtain that ecstasy momentum, life is going to feel punishing. ^That is a mental process someone has to practice, endure and want to learn/master.
It's basically emotional moderation and there is a degree of maturity attached, depending on lifestyle choice and ability. An ecstasy momentum burst comes from solving problems. If you're not solving problems, you're not really purposefully escaping. And maybe that's okay depending on life situation. I can easily understand why grief can interfere with this process. It's a highly personal decision combined with environmental obstacles.
I'm writing of my own personal experience from battling heavy grief and survival. It's different for everyone. My emotional achievement levels are fairly high after having to make severe complex judgment calls - including ones on whether or not to allow my own children to die after my pregnancy collapsed at 20 weeks, as well as handling the fallout from those decisions. The fallout was worse. Easily. Decisions are simple. It's the consequences that are terrifying to endure. Somehow this wisdom gets lost in the same way that disability is feared more than death.
I chose life. I didn't even hesitate. No parent should ever have to make that kind of call but I am 100% grateful that others respected me enough to give me the choice. It allowed me to psychologically handle the fallout. I can live with my decision. It was mine. I knew every reason, every obstacle, every internal/external pressure but nothing from that initial decision point could ever take away my determination.
Why? It wasn't possible for me to forget. I was (and continue to remain) living in open PTSD.
Navigating this kind of existence, very few understand it in depth. It's not pleasant being thrown into a world of survivorship and that's basically what happens. Ultimately you have to be able to live with yourself. If not? Confidence will be shredded. Someone could question every decision they ever made, fruitlessly tracking down consequences and misappropriating blame/responsibility. Perhaps even blind to the consequences and the world around them depending on inaccurate feedback. That's if someone tried to do the emotional work. Most don't.
I have a little time this morning before work so writing on deep subjects is easy right now. But tonight after a long day of chaos and physical/mental exhaustion. It won't be easy. Bringing up these topics is also a quick way to earn a 'timeout' from society/others. Why? It's more comfortable to pretend that disability challenge only affects others and never oneself. It's a coping mechanism. Built from false confidence.
There is a 100% chance of disability occurring to every single person and the people they care about. We age.
It's in physical form but there is also emotional maturity process occurring which I just described. And this might be hard to believe but someone who has experienced excessive and severe disability challenge within a lifetime, is extraordinarily confident. It erases all fear. It's not that fear no longer exists, it does - the honed survivor instincts overpower it. I have a treasure trove of earned wisdom that I can instantly draw upon.
Because what happens? Sure - there is the potential of 'worst day ever' PTSD hitting. But living through daily disability challenge there is 10000X more chance of hitting the ecstasy moment of solving a problem earned from clearing an obstacle. I'm just making those numbers up. The point is a person cannot forget the lessons learned while living in open PTSD and when you have more education/training, things get easier to handle. There's a lot of obstacles when living in a world of complex disbility. I will probably go through 100's just today. I do have an intense job that requires extreme emotional moderation.
But one thing is certain, I will be humbled by the challenges presented to me and I will be forced to clear obstacles. I won't be the same person by the end of the day as I am now but yet I will. Nothing could shake my internal fortitude and determination path I have scorched into reality. So while I remain the same, growth will occur.
And there's also some uncomfortaable truth. Disability gets boring. Most days are the same with minimal progress. After awhile, I crave a worst day challenge, similar to walking into a hoarder house or dirty car scenario where I want the overwhelming sense of 'wow, this is awful but I can fix this.' It's not that I want something bad to happen to me but knowing I could smoothly glide through it? That's yet another reward earned.
I would love to cover these topics more in depth but again - it takes a certain amount of effort and slow understanding for it to all coalesce. There is no possible way to write inherent psychological truth or give it to someone else. It is something that is personally earned. Yet I learn from others around me through observance, I know it's possible to grow that way as well. Observance. It's raw curiosity.
So today I'm starting something new - I'm going to draw a line and later on tonight, I'll write again. I've spent years writing. I know every time of day/mental pattern of myself and how much I change from morning/night but many writers are unable to capture that authentic self. They're either writing fiction or not facing current obstacles. And there's nothing wrong with that but yet some people are and their leadership wisdom is getting lost in noise.
PM
The weather was beautiful. Despite that, I faced a lot of disappointment. I can't write of it. Professionalism. I currently have to hold it. As a non-privileged writer, I easily can recognize that consequences exist so I weigh my words carefully at any given time. Probably why I love satire so much.
Most of the day I entertained myself with continuing to develop a new fictional political web series: Obscure> Despite the title - strangely enough it involves conservative party leadership able to provide clarity and direction, along with appropriate behavior standards. I am in love with this alternative world build. I am so close to actually writing it down. I'm even starting to pick out main character names.
The problem? I am concerned how addicted I get to writing. I need to be focusing on my psychology degree and real life. I can see myself world building instead of studying. Yet is that awful? I need joy in my life. Treading between psychology and fiction writing - feels foolish but also incredible. Without escapism, I wouldn't be here right now. I personally believe creative effort leads to more efficient problem solving and unique strategy. But others do not see it that way.
It's just as a person, living that reality balance - it's so tempting to stay on that fictional side of life vs crawl through professional channels. It's hard to describe what it's like to be a creative with authority issues. Basically it makes it very hard for me to crawl through professional channels when I can think of other solutions. It's not that I'm self destructive or not respectful towards authority. I just enjoy challenge and that requires a degree of freedom, testing wildness. Honestly I don't think someone truly can understand behavioral psychology in full without that rebel escapist perspective. Otherwise so much is missing. Respect is earned.
It's very easy for me to be a writer. It's like breathing. It's not easy for me to go through the psychology training but for my life goals and living in reality? It's what I need to do. I could get very angry about the direction of politics and the nonstop bullshit I have to read in the media or I could solve this problem myself. Idk, I'm just thinking about all this stuff as it flows. Honestly though? Given the direction of AI and intellectual theft - having an open writing process like this could prove I'm the authentic writer artist. I only see things continuing to get murkier and purposefully deceptive as so many of these pyramid schemes fall apart, including decisions to fund political greatness in spite of common sense.
I actually have a lot of energy. I probably could have started the running program tonight. Yet I started thinking about consequences and writing, got led here instead. And that's a good thing. I'm trying to reshape a habit - completing this journal. Living transparently. The future is going to require it.
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