I tapped into superhuman strength to write this tonight. I don't even know how I'm functional at this point. It was that long/hard of a day and while I don't want to complain, I have to document this becuase that's the whole point of having this journal. To explain emotional truth of what it's like as a parent, dealing with these comprehensive struggles every day - while in the moment. No one even reads this journal right now but one day that will change. Life is nothing but a series of privacy breaches and it doesn't take much to look at the direction of society to realize bad faith actors exist and where they'll take it.
Life is not a movie or a book with nicely trimmed edges and tied ends where someone finds purpose and meaning. All these missing gaps of grief recovery, that takes effort to balance. I am so tired of shallow interpretations directed towards others and within oneself. It is not possible to just be happy or be successful. It takes effort to overcome odds. At some point, acknowledgement of sabotage must occur. I refuse to believe I'm a failure or to blame for my life situation. I know I did the best I could and in most cases - above and beyond what a human should ever be forced to do in life. Living on the edge is horrific. So bad I cannot even write of it because it would terrify other people but I was born into a world of no hope. I never once had to walk through life seeking it. What I have? Acceptance.
Maybe I just read or experienced too much hopium lately. Feels like I can't escape the oppressive force of it again. I don't know but this is where my mind is leading me tonight and I'm in a lot of pain. I'm not sitting here - hoping one day the pain goes away. I am sitting here - actually running systematic differentials in my mind to figure out what's wrong and taking action to address the identified problems. That's how my mind works.
My head is spinning. I am exhausted. These temperatures, extreme and so many times today I had to run outside without a coat or spend time outside in general. Just awful. Everyone I know is struggling. Maybe it's just the air pressure. Maybe it's a million different tiny things all combining into one shitty day. A day that is the complete opposite of yesterday. I can still remember yesterday. I felt good. Had energy. Today I am dragging. Every moment is painful and like I'm being hit in the back with a shovel - yet still expected to smile. I don't know how to describe that type of existence. I'm having a lot of back/side pain. My stomach is upset. I can't even tell if the upset stomach is from food, illness or PTSD because trauma does this. I was overloaded with bullshit today. Professional and personal. Neither serious. And that's what is so hard. It feels petty. Why am I having this kind of response? -Something I am currently asking myself. I easily could manage this type of day. I truly hate these types of days where I cannot pinpoint cause/effect.
I can even hear the well meaning echoes of those who have tried to help me. Drink more water. Do a meditation. Go for a run. Take a moment for yourself. Buy yourself something nice. Go out to eat. Be kinder to yourself. None of these things will change the fact of what it's like to single parent within my world structure. I'm facing harsh truths every day. Even right now, I'm looking at how to protect my kids when they age out of high school because society is letting them down. I am continuously reminded there is a ten year waiting gap for adult disability assistance. Ten years. An example:
I had a random phone call today from the school psychologist. Maybe that was the trigger. I usually am too busy and unable to take phone calls while at work. But I've been playing phone tag and was tired of that loop where I consistently need to work around everyone else's schedule. I get it. I'm just a small clog in the wheel of life and all these other people have demands that need met. No one ever stops and thinks about how difficult it is for me as a human to continuously jump through these obstacles - for what ends up being nothing. Or it is so substantial my life is wrecked over it and I don't have a chance to breathe, that I end up drowning.
I'm just using today as an example and it was nothing awful - only additional meeetings to schedule. I've just had hundreds if not thousands of these types of calls within my life over kid issues. Their life was that complicated. Still is. I have no idea what it's like to be a normal parent. I am parenting on extreme mode. Few know what that is like. If I do hope anything, it's that others not experience the hell I have.
The hardest part of carrying this much responsiblity and PTSD? Every day I still am a parent. Going through life like everyone else. I love my kids. I want to be there for them in playful and responsible ways to give them the best life quality I can. I know that is possible. I live it every day because through those life choices? I also obtained a ridiculous amount of confidence from jumping through so many obstacles. That surviving confidence was my reward and yet it's so heavy. Especially tonight.
Somehow due to the gaping holes in society caregiving responsibility - I also have to prepare and navigate these deficits, myself. No one else seems to get it. And I've narrowed down why. They're not a small clog in the wheel of life.
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